Showing posts sorted by relevance for query ayya khema. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query ayya khema. Sort by date Show all posts

Monday, June 28, 2010

Not Forgetting to Guard the Sense Doors

In France, with plenty of time to spare, in between visits to mother in the nursing home. Ayya Khema has been keeping me company with 'Who Is My Self?: A Guide to Buddhist Meditation', one of the best Dharma books I have read in a very long time. In it, Ayya Khema interprets and explains in plain English the Potthapada Sutta, the Buddha's famous teaching about the true nature of the 'self', and the path to get there. 

I had read before about the importance of guarding the senses, but had not quite gotten it until I hit Ayya Khema's chapter on the topic. Guarding the senses seconds the five precepts, the first step along the path. It is followed by mindulness and clear comprehension. In my practice so far, I realize I have  been quick to jump over to mindfulness, not bothering with critical intermediate stop of guarding the senses. 

Ayya Khema elaborates on the following passage from the sutta:
'Here a monk, on seeing a visible object with the eye, does not grasp at its major signs or secondary characteristics. Because greed and sorrow, evil unskilled states, would overwhelm him if he dwelt leaving this eye-faculty unguarded, so he practices guarding it, he protects the eye faculty, develops restraints of the eye-faculty. . .  On hearing a sound with the ear, . . . on smelling an odor with the nose, . . .  on on tasting a flavor with the tongue, on feeling an object with the body, . . . on thinking a thought with the mind . . . He experiences within himself the blameless bliss that comes from maintaining this Ariyan guarding of the faculties. In this way . . . a monk is a guardian of the sense-doors.'

Using her down to earth feminine wisdom, Ayya Khema guards us against common misinterpretations:
Most of the time, this is misunderstood and wrongly practiced. It is taken to mean, not to look, not to hear, not to taste, not to touch. This is quite impossible. Our senses are there; we must look, hear, taste, touch, smell. Our mind refuses not to think, as we very well know from our meditation . . .
and explains what is really being said:
When the eye sees, it simply registers color and shape. All the rest takes place in the mind. For instance, we see a piece of chocolate. The eye sees only the brown shape. It is the mind that says: "Ah, chocolate! That tastes delicious - I want a piece!" Not to grasp at the major signs or secondary characteristics is to stop the mind from doing exactly that. 
We can practice this easily with anything we either very much like or very much dislike . . . 
. . .  
If we are easily swayed by what we see, the best thing to do is to recognize the sense-contact and stop the mind at the perception, the labeling. It is very hard to stop it before that. So, for example, if we see a person, or even think of a person, for whom we have hate or greed, someone we either dislike or long for intensely, we should practice stopping at the label, person friend, male, female. Nothing further. The rest is our desire. That is what is meant by guarding the sense-doors.
Our senses are our survival system. It is much easier to survive if we can see and hear than if we are blind or deaf. Most people assume, however, that the senses are there in order to provide them with pleasure. We use them in that way and become angry when they fail to do so. We then blame the trigger. If someone displeases us, we blame that person. It has nothing to do with the other person, who, like us, is made up of the four elements, has the same senses, the same limbs, and is looking, as we are, for happiness. There is nothing in that person that is producing displeasure. It is all in our own mind.  
Exactly the same applies when we think another person will provide us with pleasure . . . There is no reason to look to that person for pleasure or blame then for not providing it. All we have to do is see "person". Nothing more. There are so many "persons" in this world, why should we allow this particular one to arouse our syndrome of desire-distaste?
If we guard our senses, we guard our passions, which enables us to live with far greater equanimity. We are no longer on that endless seesaw; up, when we are getting what we want, down, when we are not, which induces a continual inner feeling of wanting something that just escapes us. Nothing that is to be had in the world, anywhere, under any circumstances, is capable of bringing fulfillment. All that the world can provide are sense-contacts - seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, and thinking. All are short-lived and have to be renewed, over and over again. This takes time and energy, and here again it is not the sense-contact itself that satisfies us. It is what the mind makes of it. Guarding the sense-doors is one of the most important things we can do, if we want to lead a peaceful, harmonious life, untroubled by wanting what we do not have, or not wanting what we do have. These are the only two causes of dukkha; there are no others. If we watch our sense-contacts and do not go past the labeling, we have a very good chance of being at ease.
Starting right now,  with sensation of heat in body, from hot summer day. If I am not careful, I can easily go into aversion mode, and make myself miserable. No, instead, I shall use the information from my senses and take right action, drinking some water. And leave it at that. Staying 'cool' . . .

I love you, Ayya Khema!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ayya Khema's Take On The Body Scan

The body scan meditation is one of the pillars of MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction). I find Ayya Khema's take on it - she calls it 'sweeping' - worth spending time on. Here are some relevant excerpts from her book 'When the Iron Eagle Flies', chapter on 'Mindfulness of Feelings and Sensations':
In one aspect, this is a method of purification  . . . [It] is quite specific, as becomes clear when we remember that our physical reactions to our emotions are constant and immediate, and we are unable ever to stop them . . . 
Our emotional reactions have no other way of manifesting themselves than through our body. Since birth, we have been dealing with our emotions in this manner, or maybe we could say "misdealing." The body has always reacted and has eventually retained some of these reactions in the form of tensions and blockages. This meditation method has the potential for removing blockages, or at least rendering them somewhat less obstructive, depending on the strength of our concentration, and also our karma . . . 
[This] method . . . can be likened to an internal shower. What the mind has put in through emotional reactions, the mind can remove by letting go. 
Letting go is the open secret of purification. Every time we move from one place in the body to the next, we have let go of whatever arose in the previous spot. In the end we let go through our fingertips and through our toes* into the room, because there is no longer any other body part to which we can move. We are thereby cleaning up, taking an internal shower, removing some of the inner blockages. Since this is a great help physically, our minds also feel more at ease. We don't have as many difficulties with the body an more, an we can use our mental energies unhampered by discomfort. 
This technique also has a healing quality. Anyone with some concentration can easily get rid of a headache, or even backache. Some sicknesses that are deeply rooted will be more difficult to eradicate, and indeed may be impossible to get rid of. But minor difficulties that are not chronic can be removed fairly easily. The technique has, however, many more possibilities. 
One of its important aspects is that we learn to let go of feelings, so that we need not react. Feelings comprise physical sensations and emotions . . . Here we have a method by which we can actually become aware of feelings, without any reaction being necessary. Even if anger arises, this is one occasion when we know with certainty that nobody has caused it. It has arisen, and this may be the first time in our life that we are aware of anger arising without any outside trigger. The same applies to grief, worry, fear, or any of our other emotions. 
This method also gives us an opportunity to become aware of sensations that at times are unpleasant. If we drop them and move our attention to the next part of the body, we perform exactly the same action-namely, non reaction to an unpleasant sensation by letting go of rejection. We are letting go by putting our attention elsewhere.  
This method teaches to deal with all our feelings with equanimity . . .  
Ayya Khema makes it sound so easy! My personal experience of the body scan has not been so dramatic. I would even venture as far as admitting a certain resistance to it . . . Maybe now is the time to revisit?

What is your experience of body scan meditation?

*.I was taught to do the body scan starting with the feet, which is the traditional MBSR way, as taught by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Ayya Khema does it in the opposite direction, starting with the top of the head, and then sweeping down the rest of the body, part by part. I am not sure it makes any difference, as long as the whole body is covered. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

Mindfulness Pep Talks

Listening to Dharma talks is an integral part of my practice, albeit in a very loose way.

I usually do not listen to an entire talk, but snippets of it instead, enough to energize my daily practice. Five, ten, fifteen minutes at the most. I may take notes. Thanks to modern media, right at our fingertips is the living wisdom from so many awesome teachers. I tend to stick to Ayya Khema. With more than 400 talks on Dharma Seed, I have plenty to choose from!

Those daily reminders from my favorite teacher are like gold for practice. 

Last night, I picked up the following from one of Ayya Khema's talks. She was giving practical pointers for daily practice:
  • Every day, meditate for one hour in the morning, one hour at night. If you can't do an hour yet, do at least 30 minutes and always shoot in the direction of more time, not less.
  • Always sit on the same chair, at the same place.
  • Set your timer.
  • Sit until it rings, no matter what. 
  • Focus on the breath, and use labeling.
  • Use books and tapes judiciously.
  • Most helpful thing is at least one noble friend, someone who is just one step ahead of you along the path. That way, your friend remembers what it's like to be in your shoes. 
Today, I remembered and I found my whole day suffused with Ayya Khema's pearls of wisdom. Nothing like a pep Dharma talk to keep one's motivation going . . .

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Necessity of Gladness

I went into the retreat wanting to learn the first levels of concentration practice, the jhanas as taught by Leigh, and Ayya Khema before him. At some point, it became clear that to persevere in that exploration would not be beneficial. I learned the hard way that the release of piti energy without enough pleasantness attached, simply does not work. Three sleepless nights, and a state of being on 24/7 demanded that all means be taken to return to my normal self. I walked, and I spent time in nature. I took long warm showers. I refrained from sitting too long and from counting my breath. I shifted away from pure meditation, and contemplated instead. It took me five days before I was able to feel like myself again. This is why jhana initiation should only be undertaken within the container of a long retreat and under the guidance of a teacher.

I followed Leigh's advice to cultivate joy, a missing ingredient in my overly busy life. Specifically, I was to do some metta (loving kindness) practice. The heart needed to be ready first before the mind could proceed any further. Besides practicing formal metta meditation, I needed to spend time contemplating the nature of heart. For that, I turned to Ayya Khema's illuminating talk on 'Metta'. Here are the salient points from Ayya Khema's talk:
  1. See the difficult people as opportunity to practice unconditional love
  2. Realize the faults we see in others are also our own
  3. Love without expectations of anything back
  4. Practice mindfulness
  5. Don't blame the trigger
  6. Let go of views and opinions about other people
  7. Just love, don't discriminate and know the difference between the two
  8. Practice self-compassion
The seventh point blew my mind:
Now we deliberately start every lovingkindness meditation with ourselves. Many people find it difficult to love themselves -- sometimes because they know themselves too well. [laughter] Which means that they're judging. We don't have to judge ourselves, we can just love ourselves. Judging ourselves and loving ourselves do not have to be in the same breath. We can first love this manifestation of universal existence which we call "Me." And then, if we really want to make some changes, we can find out what needs to be changed, but we don't have to mix up those two, we don't have to mix up our bad qualities with our love for ourselves. They don't have anything to do with each other. But because we do mix those two things together in ourselves, we do that with everybody else, too. They're quite nice, but... they've got all these other qualities which aren't that nice. Or we can see that they're ok, but only if they are just doing something that we're also doing, going along with our ideas. This is totally unnecessary. This is a totally different track -- the mind's track, that's where the mind comes into its own. That's when we are discriminating between that which we find useful and helpful, and that which we don't. But the heart has nothing to do with that. The heart just has to love; it doesn't have to discriminate. And when we can see the difference between the usual judgments and just loving -- not discriminating -- we have taken a very important step.
Being in a retreat environment, I had plenty of opportunities to figure this out. 

It did not take long for the mind to start developing ideas about other folks in the retreat, deciding which one 'I' liked, which ones 'I' didn't like, all without any word exchanged. Indications of partially closed heart, that let only as much love as allowed by long held limiting habits from the mind. Of course, the hope lied in the difference made by the mindful experiencing of the pain of a closed heart. During the retreat, I had the time, and presence of mind to really 'see' the heart up close. On the second before last day of the retreat, an insight arose that filled me with great joy, and that I sealed with those words:
'It is the mind that closes the heart. The love, all of it is in the heart, all along. It is up to me to notice whenever the mind starts closing the door of the heart. The same mind that closed the door can also open it. It is up to me to intervene and keep the door open, giving myself the sweetness of fully open heart. '
A radical shift had taken place, from believing that boundless love was out of reach, to feeling it right there in the heart, always accessible.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Motherhood, Love, and Mindfulness

Mother's Day . . . has arrived, and with it the usual onslaught of happy stories glorifying mothers everywhere. 

Mother's Day . . . for me is a day to reflect on Ayya Khema's commentary on  the Buddha's fourth remembrance:
"Everything that is mine and is dear to me must change" relates particularly aptly to our relationship with our children and our partners. Children begin changing from the day they are born. But they disappear or they can disappear [. . .]
None of us really believe that our children or partner belong to us. Nevertheless we feel that way about them and want to hold on to them. The various relationship problems in families arise out of this. 
[. . .] We think we have to determine the way our children develop. We think we can decide what they should and should not do. We not only want to keep our children and partners for ourselves, but we think they should live in accordance with our wishes and our conception of them. And none of this is true. 
We have to let go if we want to live and love in freedom. Not even one's own body is "mine", the Buddha said, so how can another person be "mine"? Everyone creates his or her own karma. 
[. . .] Pure love is love that has not wish to hold and to keep but is simply given freely. 
~ Ayya Khema, I Give You My Life
Mother's day . . . is a time to thank both of my daughters for helping me awaken to the nature of true motherly love, as so beautifully expressed by Ayya Khema. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Living up to Our Mindfulness Potential

I am not yet done listening to this wonderful talk given by Ayya Khema. Many gems to be found there, and in particular:

"Most people use mindfulness just enough to survive."

Using mindfulness to cross the street, to brush our teeth, to type this post, to eat breakfast, to work, to make love, to buy groceries, to go to the bathroom . . .

Using mindfulness to function, and go through the mechanics of daily living.

Ayya Khema, and other wise teachers tell us there is more to life however.

Life can be lived in freedom from the unnecessary suffering of clinging to what cannot be had.

Mindfulness practice is about using all of our mindfulness potential to find the joy of life lived free the tyranny of our habitual cravings. Whenever I realize how little I make use of such gold mine, I feel great sadness. Such a waste!

Ayya Khema reminds us of some simple steps we can take to deepen our use of mindfulness: 

Formal practice, for sure, as in sitting and walking meditation.
And also, being mindful of the content of our mind outside of meditation, being aware of unwholesome thoughts and substituting them with wholesome thoughts. Purifying the mind.
Being mindful of the body outside of meditation, watching our movements, e.g. body walking to the table.

Often I interrupt the day with one of these three questions:
What am I doing? What am I thinking? How am I feeling?

How much of your mindfulness potential are you using?

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Four Important Mind Steps

A Twitter exchange with @Meryl333 got me back into reading Ayya Khema's 'Who Is My Self?', specifically the following mind sequence [page 76]:
The first aspect is "sense-consciousness", the five senses: seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling.
The second aspect is feeling, which arises from sense-contact. This feeling is either pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral [or rather a combination of pleasant and unpleasant in my experience].
The third is perception, which can also be called labeling. For example, when the feeling is unpleasant, the label is "pain".
The fourth is mental formation, or reaction. If the mind has said "pain", the reaction is usually "I don't like it", or "I've got to get away from this."
. . . 
Most people are only aware of the first and the last step, the sense contact and the reaction.
. . . 
We should practice in the following way: having noticed our reaction, we go back to the sense-contact that led to it. We then try to become aware again of the feeling that followed the sense-contact, and then of the mind's explanation, its labeling (dirty, disgusting, delicious, boring). Notice these two missing parts, the feeling and the label. 
. . . 
We can also decide to stop to the sequence at any of the four points, particularly at the perception, the labeling. Then we will notice that we are not compelled to react. 
Very important stuff, worth verifying through thorough investigation of one's immediate experience.

I just wonder why Ayya Khema did away with the sixth sense-consciousness, the intellect-consciousness included in the Buddha's teachings? Today, I could see how through the cognizing of a certain idea, much unpleasantness arose. In my mind's haste, all I could notice  next was the "I don't like" part. The third step eluded me completely. Following Ayya Kehma's instruction, as I go back and try to retrace all of the steps, I can now see the part about perception, and all the "pain" that I attached to the unpleasantness. Pain is a loaded word that can't just be left alone . . . 

I need to spend more time at the edges between pleasantness and pleasure, and unpleasantness and pain. Letting go of the mind's habit to create stories around life cyclical ways.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

The First Day of Your Life

Ayya Khema asks us to contemplate:

"Think about today as the first day of your life. How do you want to live the remainder of your life? What changes do you need to make?"

I have been pondering that question.

The past is past and cannot be undone. At best, I can learn from it. I can view today as a chance to start anew, with mindfulness and acquired wisdom as my best allies. 

The more I age, the more life feels precious. Each day, each hour, each minute, each moment, a new gift that is not to be wasted with wrong action, wrong speech, wrong thoughts. There are long run decisions to be taken, and micro ones to be made every day. 

Doing the right thing requires seeing clearly within ourselves. Mindfulness can help shed some light, but it is not always enough. We need to stop, and probe deeply within. Armed with paper and pen, we can sit and reflect back on unhelpful patterns. Do we feel un-ease? Where does it come from? Can it be helped with changes within, or do we need to take action outside? What is in our control, and what is not?

We need to ask the big questions:

Which company do I want to keep?

Pema Chodron talks about the difficult ones as our teachers. Similarly, Ruth Denison often talks about her difficult relationship with her husband and how being his wife was a part of her spiritual path. Ayya Khema urges us to be careful and not haste to place the blame outside of ourselves. We are not perfect, and we need to first look inward before attributing our unhappiness to someone else's actions. I keep their advice in mind. I also remember the Buddha's admonition to only have noble friends. The Buddha is very clear on that matter:

Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. 

We are to keep company with those who encourage us on the spiritual path, in whichever form that may takes.

Next is, which work do I want to devote myself to?

I have the good fortune of having found work that incorporates mindfulness practice, service, and creativity while at the same time allowing me to make a living. Of course, the danger exists of perverting the purity of the initial intention. Wanting more money, more prestige, more self-gratification. Looking around, I am reminded that  outer claims to 'mindfulness' and to serving a higher cause, are no guarantee. Always, going back within to check. What are my motives? Am I being honest? Has greed arisen?

Last, the most important question.

If practice is the most important thing, am I making enough room for it? And if not, why?

I had planned to go on a two-week retreat this coming week. I ended up canceling. It did not seem wise to leave in the midst of so many important work projects. I promised myself that I would reschedule and retreat in September instead. I rationalized that practice can take place anywhere. I could sit longer every day, redouble my effort to bring mindfulness in my daily activities. I could listen to more dharma talks. I could attend mini-retreats here and there. Being a lay person is not easy on practice. Distractions and good reasons abound, that take one away from inner freedom.

Three questions worth asking ourselves. How would you answer them?

Friday, April 19, 2013

Loving Kindness Contemplation With iPhone

I had some time in between meetings, and decided to call friends I had not talked to in a while. Going down the contacts list on my iPhone, I noticed the mind passing judgment on each name.

The one at the top had fallen into the mere acquaintances category. Heart tightened a bit.
Next one, a resounding no. She had hurt me once, and I still remembered the sting. Stomach and throat closed tight. The person in question no longer deserved to be on the list, 'my' list. 
Oh, yes, that one. A good friend, and someone I am contemplating doing good work with. I felt heart open, and body relax.
Further down, someone who would always be part of my life. A complicated story, and some ambivalence, but mind was fair and could see things as they are.
And right below, the urge to call her, who is always there for me. Heart overcome with gladness, it felt good. 
At the letter D, heart ached from love not returned, and the craving for shared sweetness that could not be, at least not now. 
Each letter, surprises in store, some first names I was not even sure whom they belonged to, and why I had once deemed them important enough to become 'contact'. 
. . . 

Soon, it became clear, I had to keep going down the list, and use each name as a way to test the state of my heart. What I found was no big surprise, but a confirmation of what I already knew. It takes a lot of sustained mindfulness to dismantle the mind's habit of finding reasons to not love. Noticing the damage done first and foremost to oneself when unloving thoughts arise. And not kidding oneself about one's ability to love. 

Most helpful has been Ayya Khema's talk on metta, the most convincing teaching I have heard on love.
Ayya Khema reminds us to make loving kindness a part of our daily practice. Both mind and heart need to be re-trained. 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Not Her Keeper

These days spent at the hospital with my mother are so intense. Yesterday, I looked into her eyes, several times, and we locked in, and I smiled and I reminded her it was me, and she smiled back, to tell me her happiness. She liked it when I played her favorite tunes, songs she used to sing all the time before her stroke. And she surprised me when she reached out for a magazine. I found myself starting to hope. 

Then came the dinner tray, and she did not make it past the first spoonful of the green puree. Same with the yogurt, and the applesauce. I asked the nurse, and she could not give me any reassurance. Yes, it could mean the end is near, or not. 

Today, I arrived to find her lying in bed and hooked up to a monitor, eyes closed and seemingly in pain with a frozen frown on her face. I was told her heart had gone to 150 in the morning and she was under close watch again. She did not acknowledge my presence. Her roommate was screaming for her children to come and take her. I thought, how incredibly stressful this must be for my mother to be subjected to so much. And I realized there was nothing to do, other than sit by her side, hold her hand, and remind her often that I was there with her. 

Ayya Khema says this about love: 

My attachment and my fear can only have a negative influence on my love. My children do not belong to me; they belong to themselves. I'm not their keeper, any more than they are my keepers. We are linked to each other, but not bound to each other - that is a huge difference. 
~ from I Give You My Life

Ayya Khema is referring to her children, but the same goes with our parents. I have been watching grief take hold in my body, a very physical sensation akin to being torn apart, literally. The stronger the bond, the more painful the parting, and there is certainly no stronger tie than between mother and child. It goes both ways. I am grateful for the practice to point me in the right direction. I am to feel the grief, fully, and relax around it, giving it space, and guarding the mind from adding more. My mother needs me to be at peace, and free from the anxiety of anticipated loss.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Loving Kindness For the New Year

After the retreat with Leigh, I came back in a state of love. That was four months ago, and daily loving kindness practice for two weeks straight had done its work of opening the heart. I came back determined to make loving kindness a part of my daily practice. I kept my promise for a while, and then time, or rather lack of it, and other more mundane preoccupations had the upper hand. The urge to cultivate love in the heart vanished, just like that . . . I continued to sit diligently every day, but only with breath as an object. Not surprisingly, the heart resorted back to its old ways of door closing at the slightest provocation. It does not feel good. 

At the eve of this new year, I wish to be in love again. I want to experience the state of unconditioned love so beautifully articulated by Ayya Khema in her talk about 'Metta'. A love that does not depend on others' love, a love that does not expect to be loved in return, a love that does not discriminate, a love that does not set conditions upon its expression, a love that flows freely out of the heart. 

The good news is that kind of love is not some unattainable goal. I found out during the retreat with Leigh, that love is a simple practice, accessible to anyone willing. To kickstart the process again, I shall start my sitting practice this morning with 15 minutes of guided loving kindness with Ayya Khema. She has many to pick from. My favorite one is the Garden in Your Heart

Join me if you wish, and give yourself and others the gift of love. 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Man At the Grocery Store

During Ayya Khema's Flower Garden metta meditation, his face came up. An almost stranger. A clerk at the neighborhood grocery store. The nun asked that I pick up a beautiful bouquet of flowers from the garden in my heart, and that I hand it to the man. 

I felt the hesitation, the mind's reluctance, the heart closing its gate. The mind, my mind said, this man, you barely know him. He does not fit the criteria for so much love. A smile, a kind word, that you can give, just as you do whenever he rings you up and the two of you do some small talk. But boundless love, as much as you would give to your daughter, my mind had a problem with that. 

The mind's got ideas about what's needed to be worthy of my love. Never mind that we are the first one to suffer. Why not open the gates? Let it flow . . . 

Earlier today, I was listening to a talk from Ayya Khema, and she talked about how pretty much all of us are not capable of unconditional love. We've got limits, and the trick is in recognizing when we don't love, because then, we can change and correct our stinginess. We are in trouble if we delude ourselves into thinking that we love everybody. 

The man at the grocery store showed me the work I have to do still in the area of love. 

Friday, March 2, 2012

One Underlying Tendency

Tonight, prompted by a 'bad day' made even worse by mind's reactivity, I went down Ayya Khema's list of the seven underlying tendencies, those deep rooted personality traits that keep on tripping us, over and over again. Here is the list:
Sensuality is part and parcel of a human being and shows itself in becoming attached and reacting to what one sees, hears, smells, tastes, touches and thinks. One is concerned with what one feels and has not yet come to the understanding that the sense objects are only impermanent phenomena arising and passing away. When this lack of profound insight is still prevalent, one ascribes importance to the impressions which come in through the senses. One is drawn to them and seeks pleasure in them. When the senses are still playing an important part in a person, there is sensuality. Man is a sensuous being. 
Where there is sensuality, there is also irritation, the two go hand in hand. Sensuality is satisfied when the sense contact impingement was pleasant. Irritation arises when the sense contact was unpleasant. It doesn't have to issue as anger, shouting, fury, hate or even resistance. It's just irritation, which results in being displeased, feeling ill-at-ease and restless. It goes together with being a sensuous human being. 
 The third underlying tendency is doubt or hesitation. If one has doubts, one hesitates: "What am I going to do next?" One doubts one's own path and abilities, and how to proceed. Due to hesitation, one doesn't use one's time wisely. At times one may waste it or overindulge in activities which are not beneficial. Doubt means that one doesn't have an inner vision to guide one, but is obsessed by uncertainty. Doubts and hesitation lie in our hearts because of a feeling of insecurity. We are afraid of not being safe.
The next underlying tendency is the wrong view of relating all that happens to a "self." This goes on constantly and we can verify that easily, as it happens to everybody. Very few people realize: "This is just mental phenomena." They believe: "I think." When there is pain in the body, few will say: "It's just an unpleasant feeling." They'll say: "I'm feeling very badly," or "I have a terrible pain." This reaction to whatever happens as "self" is due to an underlying tendency so deeply imbedded that it takes great effort to loosen its hold.
Next comes pride and conceit, which here means having a certain concept of ourselves, such as being a man or a woman, young or old, beautiful or ugly. We conceive of what we want, feel, think, know, own and what we can do. All this conceptualizing creates ownership and we become proud of possessions, knowledge, skills, feelings, being someone special [...]
Next we come to clinging to existence. That's our survival syndrome, clinging to being here, not willing to give up, not ready to die today. We must learn to be ready to die now, not wishing to die, but to be ready for it [...] Clinging to existence brings us into a dependency syndrome. We want everything to work out well for us and resent it if that doesn't happen.
Ignorance opposes wisdom, and here it concerns the fact that we disregard reality by not realizing that all our dukkha comes from wanting, even if our desire may be a wholesome one [...]
 I read Ayya Khema's advice:
It's very useful to pick the characteristic that creates difficulties for us over and over again and make it one's focus of attention. Since they are all interconnected, minimizing one will help to reduce the others to more manageable proportions.
And I could not pick just one but several tendencies manifesting all at once. Sensuality and irritation, for sure. Also, tying experiences to a monolithic "self". And last, clinging to existence:
This clinging to being alive brings much difficulty to all of us because it projects us into the future so that we can't attend to the present. If we don't live in the present, we're missing out on being alive at all. There's no life in the future, it's all ideation, conjecture, a hope and a prayer. If we really want to be alive and experience things as they are, we've got to be here now, attending to each moment. This entails letting go of clinging to what will happen to us in the future, particularly whether we are going to continue to exist. Existing in this moment is enough. To be able to let go of that clinging means to let go of the future, only then will there be strong mindfulness, real attention and clear knowing. Clinging to existence will always give us the idea that something better will come along if we just wait long enough and that denies effort. Effort can only be made now, who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I worry way too much about the future.

How about you, what are your most salient underlying tendencies? 

Monday, November 21, 2011

Off to a Good Start

Waking up every day, same possibilities.

Either jump in, unaware, into the mayhem of the day, and be prepared for the consequences.  Or, stop and choose to dwell in mindfulness even before opening one's yes, following Ayya Khema's wise counsel. I have chosen the latter and perfected a routine that has done me a lot of good.

Laying in bed, at the first moment of consciousness, I peak at the early morning light, and I close my eyes again. Getting in touch with breath, and the general climate inside. What is the general feeling? Am I starting off with resistance, or willingness? As of late, there has been lots of reluctance. I remember Ruth Denison's teachings on vedana. Recognize the unpleasantness and it will diminish. She is right. Embracing the tightness, I can feel the body relax. Mind almost always follows with gladness, and gratitude for the gift of breath, and life starting anew, once more. It is now time to open the eyes, slowly as instructed by Ayya Khema, noticing the stickiness of upper and lower lids parting after a long night, and the brightness streaming in. 

Listening to the body, I give it what it wants. A few long, slow cat stretches. Spine cracks with delight. I am ready to get up.  Walking to the bathroom turns into a short walking meditation. First feeling the stickiness of bare feet against the wooden floor, then coldness from the marble tiles. Watching the various body parts, moving in accord to perform the rituals of toileting, brushing teeth, and freshening up. And the mind also, as it tries to take me away from each moment, already. 

Next is another critical juncture. To sit now, or later? I have found it best to sit first thing. This way, I am sure to get some practice in, and I prep the mind for the rest of the day. Giving the mind a chance to settle before external events have agitated it too much. Less effort is required to calm the mind, and also one can start the day from a centered place. Nascent unskillful thoughts can be addressed before they get a chance to mushroom into some kind of intractable state. 

We have so much control over our life. Good day, bad day, it's up to us to set the right tone from the start.

How do you usually start each day? Is mindfulness a part of your morning routine? 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

A Useful Twist on Loving Kindness

Rereading Ayya Khema's jewel of a book, Being Nobody, Going Nowhere, I discovered a new, and very useful twist on loving kindness meditation. Right after starting to focus on the breath, and before setting the intention of loving kindness into the heart, Ayya Khema instructs us to:
Take a look into your heart and see whether there is any worry, fear, grief, dislike, resentment, rejection, uneasiness, anxiety. If you find any of those, let them float away like the black clouds that they are . . . 
This intermediate, and usually overlooked step can make all the difference between a meditation spent fighting the intended love,  and one that allows it. I have observed in myself, and also others, the difficulties in being able to directly go to a loving place. First the hindrances must be dealt with and integrated into the experience. The trouble comes from wanting to force love right away and dismissing the difficult emotions that may be present.

Now, the challenge is to 'let them float away like the black clouds that they are' . . . 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Inescapability of Dukkha

Many moments today, I found myself surrounded, imbibed even, with great unpleasantness. First was the pain in the neck, down the right shoulder, the arm, the forearm, the wrist, the fingertips. A pinched nerve awaiting release . . . Then, a general malaise from difficult conditions, outside. I could (can still) feel the tightness in the stomach, the bitter taste in the mouth, the ball in the throat, the tiredness from fighting so much what could not be done away with. At least not now. 

Body and mind mirroring each other in endless ways. Acting out Ayya Khema's insight:
The Buddha also taught a supermundane, transcendental(lokuttara) series of cause and effect. That one starts with unsatisfactoriness (dukkha). Dukkha needs to be seen for what it really is, namely the best starting point for our spiritual journey. Unless we know and see dukkha, we would have little reason to practice. If we haven't acknowledged the over-all existence of dukkha, we wouldn't be interested in getting out of its clutches.
The transcendental-dependent-origination starts out with the awareness and inner knowledge of the inescapable suffering in the human realm. When we reflect upon this, we will no longer try to find a way out through human endeavor, nor through becoming more informed or knowledgeable, or richer, or owning more or having more friends. Seeing dukkha as an inescapable condition, bound up with existence, we no longer feel oppressed by it. It's inescapable that there is thunder and lightning, so we don't try to reject the weather. There have to be thunder, lightning and rain, so we can grow food.
Dukkha is equally inescapable. Without it, the human condition would not exist. There wouldn't be rebirth, decay and death. Having seen it like that, one loses one's resistance to it. The moment one is no longer repelled by dukkha, suffering is greatly diminished. It's our resistance which creates the craving to get rid of it, which makes it so much worse.
~ Ayya Khema, Dukkha for Knowledge and Vision ~  
It's my resistance which creates the craving to get rid of 'it', which makes it so much worse. I know, I know . . . in my head.

And when I am really honest with myself, deep down, the delusion still holds for the promise of more pain free states. At the root is sensual desire and the wanting to feel good.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

6 Mindful Ways to Make the Most of Each Day

Inspired by yet another very wise talk from Ayya Khema, here are six mindful ways to make the most of each day:

1. Set the intention to be mindful:
"When getting up in the morning, the first thing would be a determination to be mindful. Becoming aware of opening our eyes, is the beginning of the day, and the beginning of mindfulness. If we have opened our eyes before becoming aware of that, we can close them and start all over again."
2. Meditate first thing in the morning:
"The first thing would be to sit down to meditate, maybe having to get up a little earlier . . . In most homes, starting at 6 o'clock, there is noise. If that is so, we need to get up early enough to avoid that . . . If we have a whole hour available for meditation, that's fine; at least let us not practice under half an hour, because the mind needs time to become calm and collected. The morning hour is often the best for many people, because during the night the mind is not bombarded with as many conscious impressions as it is during the day, and is therefore comparatively calm." 
3. Follow with a contemplation of the five remembrances:
(simplified version I learned during Zen Hospice training)
I am of the nature to grow old.
I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.
I cannot escape having ill health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change.
There is no way to escape being separated from them.
I inherit the nature of my actions in body, speech and mind. My actions are the ground on which I stand.
4. Realize this is the only day you have and use it most skillfully:
"We can keep three things in mind. First comes mindfulness, bare attention to the prevailing mode of being. That can be a physical activity without the mind going astray, or it may be a feeling or a thought which has arisen. Paying full attention, not trying to bury it under discursive debris, but knowing exactly what is happening in one's life. When physical activity does not demand our attention, we can again direct thoughts to the fleeting aspects of our own lives and everyone else's, and reflect what to do in the short time available. When we consider this correctly, kindness, lovingness, and helpfulness arise as priorities. We need not help a lot of people all at once. Even helping one person, maybe someone who lives in the same house, is beneficial. It is the attitude and motivation that count, not the results."
5. At the end of the day, make a balance sheet of your actions:
"At the end of each day it can be a good practice to make a balance-sheet, possibly even in writing . . . We can check our actions and reactions during the day, and can see which ones were conductive to happiness for ourselves and others and which ones were rejected . . . If we do that night after night, we will always find the same actions accepted or rejected. Kindness, warmth, interest in others, helpfulness, concern and care are always accepted. Self-interest, dislike, rejection, arguments, jealousy are always rejected. Just for one single day, we can write down all our actions on the credit or debit side, whether happiness-producing or not. As we do that, we will find the same reactions to the same stimuli over and over again. This balance sheet will give a strong impetus to stop the pre-programmed unwholesome reactions."
6. Before going to sleep, practice loving-kindness meditation:
May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be safe.
May I be well.
May I be at peace.
May I be at ease.
May I be happy.

May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be safe.
May you be well.
May you be at peace.
May you be at ease.
May you be happy.

During this coming week, will you join me in practicing Ayya Khema's mindful ways? 

Thursday, December 30, 2010

In This Moment

I just finished reading Ayya Khema's book, 'Be an Insland'. It took me a long while, as I took it in only a few pages at a time, usually before going to sleep. As with other great teachings, Ayya Khema's wisdom needs to be contemplated, slowly, in bit size.

I was struck by the fact that she ended on this note:
Being mindfully aware in and out of meditation is the practice that brings results. It means doing one thing at a time, attentive to mind and body. When listening to Dhamma, just listen. When sitting in meditation, just attend to the meditation subject. When planting a tree, just plant. No frills, no judgments. This habituates the mind to be in each moment. Only in such a way can a path moment occur, here and now. There is no reason why an intelligent, healthy, committed person should not be able to attain it with patience and perseverance.
So simple. 

Today, I shall strive to remind myself to focus on the task at hand, moment to moment. Driving to Zen Hospice, I shall only drive. Feeding a resident there, I shall only feed him. Taking a walk later, I shall only walk. Meeting my friend for coffee, I shall only talk, or listen to him . . . 

So simple. So difficult to sustain.

Hence practice :)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Ayya Khema's Methods

(While away on women's retreat with Ruth Denison, I decided to lend this blog to some of my favorite  Buddhist women teachers.)

Here is Ayya Khema teaching about meditation methods:

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Real Cause of Mental Pain

When To Meditate, and When To Contemplate.

It hit me last night. One dart, strategically shot, that left my heart bleeding . . . Of course, reactive mind chimed in, and pushed the dart further in, causing even more suffering. Something had to be done. I knew better than to give 'poor me' voice much weight. Sure, I had been done wrong by someone close, but still, that was no reason to take on the sad, angry role of victim. I remembered Ayya Khema's advice. Meditation would do me no good in this situation. Instead,
"What you could do at such time would be contemplation. Sit down where nobody will disturb you, and focus on the pain to find out it s cause, why it should have arisen. Do not be satisfied with an answer such as "Because so-and-so said something"- that's only the superficial cause of it. That would have been the trigger, but there's no cause for mental pain unless there's something inside oneself that is reacting to that trigger. It is useful first to find the outer trigger, which is probably well known to you. It could be a sense of futility, anxiety about the future - any kind of trigger is possible."
Sitting down at my desk, I was able to put my finger on the outer trigger. Yes, anxiety about the future, and also of not being able to rely on the other person.
"Then you need to find in yourself the reason for the reaction creating pain. The reason has to be "I don't want it the way it is." There can be no other."
Yes, I have a big need for security. Anything that threatens it, triggers a strong personal reaction of fear.
But why don't we like it the way it is? Usually the answer is "Because my ego is not supported." The bottom line of the whole inquiry is always the "ego", but it's useless to say, "I know it is my ego" and then continue to have the pain. It is useful , however, to go through the whole process of the trigger, the personal reaction , the inquiry into the cause of the reaction and then the understanding that the reaction is our dukkha and not the trigger.  I have a formula: "Don't blame the trigger." Never let the mind stay with the trigger; always investigate what and who is reacting. Unless we find the reaction to the trigger in ourselves, we are going to repeat the same performance with the same result over and over again, like a preprogrammed computer printout. Press the same buttons and the same printout appears, until we finally realize that it is nothing but a button being pressed, and that we don't have to have the same printout. We are in a position to be able to stop ourselves.
There is so much freedom in no longer looking for cause outside of oneself. I, not the other person is responsible for my pain, and that at least, I can do something about. In this case, I asked myself the question, why do I give the other person so much power? Why can't I find the security I need within myself? Down the ladder, I went, asking more why's, all to do with me, and no one else.
In the beginning that may be painful because we have to look at ourselves in a new way. We need no have this exaggerated idea of our own worth, nor do we need an exaggerated idea of our nonworth. We can learn just to accept the way things are. Sitting on the pillow at such a time is very good, but trying to meditate is often useless; contemplate instead. The subject of the contemplation is to be: "The cause of mental pain."  
~ From 'When The Iron Eagle Flies', pages 76-77, by Ayya Khema ~

What are some forms of inquiry, that you practice, and that complement your meditation practice?


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